good grief, mommyhood

The First Day

Ouch! Grief can sneak up on you disguised as something else. Today is Full Speed’s first day of pre-kindergarten. I have been anticipating this day with much joy almost since his birth. If you spend five minutes with him you would understand. He is a good boy. He is a good boy who happens to be hyperactive and very opinionated.
JR shoes
I mentioned before the struggle of keeping him entertained cooped up in the house. We have managed to survive four northern winters and one Florida summer indoors without killing each other. No small feat.

I placed Full Speed in part-time daycare when he was a little under two years old. As time went by I gradually increased his time at daycare until this past summer, I increased it to three full days a week. It wasn’t enough. We butted heads like you wouldn’t believe. I couldn’t wait until he started pre-K. He will now go to school five days a week. Hallelujah!!!

I am slightly saddened that this means more separation from him as he is growing and changing. It seems to be nicely balanced with my hope for him that his mind and body will be actively engaged in a way that only a school could provide for him. I think if the teachers manage to hold his attention and contain some of his energy, he is going to excel (sounds like something a mom would say, doesn’t it?). I’m looking forward to a bright future for him filled with endless possibilities.

That’s why when I had a niggling sadness deep in my soul today, I couldn’t figure it out. This is a happy day. I should feel happy. There was much joy to be found in presenting the boys with their new school shoes (T.Puzzle goes part-time and he is moving up to a bigger class today). Full Speed adored his Transformer shoes and T.Puzzle became instantly attached to his Spiderman shoes. Full Speed said that when they got home from school we would have a shoe party. “What’s a shoe party?” I asked. “It’s when you wear your shoes, dance to music and wear sunglasses,” he replied. Sounds fantastic, it’s a date, Full Speed!

Underneath the excitement was the realization that I wasn’t sharing this special day with my Mom. I won’t ever share another milestone with her. She isn’t there for me to call and say, “I was so proud of Full Speed, today. He did great at drop-off.” She won’t see the myriad of pictures I took or hear the new stories of Full Speed’s pre-K adventures which I’m sure will be many.
JR and Keaton shoes

This is the first day of school. This is the first day of school my Mom isn’t sharing with me. And that just plain sucks.

7 thoughts on “The First Day”

    1. I am glad you like my blog. Thanks for the phone call and for all your support during this process.

  1. Today’s entry was a little sad, but you had me laughing with the others. My Cubs scarf that your Mom gave me is looking a little forlorn in the closet as if it KNOWS just how badly the Cubs are doing. I have a Cubs gnome that Allie gave me – sitting by my kitchen sink. Every day I just look at it like “Well?”

    1. I’m sort of glad it is too warm in Florida to ever need a Cubs scarf. What are we to do? Glad you are enjoying my blog. Thanks for your feedback and support.

  2. wow…this brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of a story I read just last night before bed…from Chicken Soul for the Woman’s Soul. The lady in the story described a very similar story and I can only imagine what the first day of school is like for a mom.

    I know your mom isn’t there for you to call up and tell her all your stories…but she still is watching over the boys and I know she hears you.

    miss you so much and I am so happy to be reading your blog.

    1. Thanks for all the wonderful feedback, Moni. It gave me goosebumps. I know that you relate to difficult family dynamics. I’m glad you are finding parts of yourself reflected backs in my posts. That’s my whole reason for doing this. Sending much love your way!

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