Breaking the Fast

Mad Dog was scared when he walked in the door Friday night. I had reached my limit of patience with the boys. I had Full Speed upstairs screaming in his room because he had repeatedly run over T.Puzzle with a rather large, blue Lego truck. I was on my way back downstairs when I saw Mad Dog’s silhouette through our glass door. I walked forcifully to the door and opened it with much anger. Of course I wasn’t angry at him or the door. I was frustrated with Mommyhood.

Mad Dog cautiously stepped over the threshold and commented that it looked like I was ready to stab him. I resent that because at the time, I wasn’t even holding a knife. Mad Dog was puzzled why I was so on edge. He figured because I only had Full Speed for the day as T.Puzzle was in school (and Full Speed had visited Grandma for a couple hours in the morning to give me a break), that I should be calm, cool and collected.

I could see his point. I could also see mine. Mine had more to do with the fact that the days surrounding Full Speed’s surgery had put me on such a heightened Mommy Mode that I was completely burned out. I liken it to that hyper-awareness you have with a newborn. It was as if my mental self had completely immersed itself into Full Speed. If he so much as hiccupped I had water, honey and a soothing hug to help him through it. Anything he needed I had for him. Anything he wanted I made sure he got. I did it partly because that’s what Mommy’s do. I also did it to ease his suffering going through so many complicated medical procedures and testing. I was exhausted.

I was frustrated too that Mad Dog wasn’t validating this experience. So, the next morning when it was time for breakfast, I was more than happy to let Mad Dog take over with the boys. Eventually, I heard a lot of chaos, crying and fighting so I went downstairs to investigate.

The boys and I have a solid routine for breakfast and they were voicing their displeasure that Mad Dog was doing it wrong. I was upset. Not because my boys are slightly OCD concerning routines, but because it is solely up to me to know the ins and outs of these routines. I’m the one who knows what kind of waffles they can and can’t eat (T.Puzzle is allergic to eggs so he requires a special brand), how many sausages they prefer (it’s two links) and that they always have a fresh side of fruit. I also make sure they have vitamins, have brushed teeth, are properly sun-screened, eye-glasses cleaned etc. Most of the time I handle these details with aplomb. However, this morning that was not the case.

Through this pandemonium I think it clicked for Mad Dog that our guys are certainly a handful. I think he noted the dazed and crazed look in my eyes, too. He graciously offered to let me have a break in the afternoon while he watched the Buckeyes with Grandpa and the boys (thank you, thank you!). I decided to go to a movie.

It was magical. I mean, the movie wasn’t great (Love Happens, I recommend renting it or watching it on pay-per-view on a rainy afternoon) but it was completely liberating. It felt like I could breathe for the first time in well over a week. I loved that it was dark, quiet and the only needs I had to care for were my own. I loved that the movie had decidedly feminine themes and was ladened with cheese.

I’m going to need to work on having more balance moving forward for Full Speed’s second surgery. Or Mad Dog may very well need to hide all of our knives until then.