children, family, humor, kids, marriage, motherhood, parenting

Moving Day

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“Hurry up and get your shoes on. I have something I want to show you and the boys,” Mad Dog declared as he walked in the front door. The boys and I grabbed some shoes and zipped outside. I thought maybe the car was newly washed and shining, or there was a cute, tiny bird that he thought we would want to see.

Nope.

It was a snake.

My life flashed before my eyes, I saw stars and my spirit left my body, hovered over me and watched as I attempted to hold my crumbling emotional exterior together. The boys held their breath as they watched and waited to see how Mom was going to respond. Mind you, they both had beared witness to Dead Lizard-Gate 2012 and could sense things were about to go south.

The snake was slithered up against our garage door. All I could think was, ‘it’s going in my house, it’s going in my house…’. I couldn’t verbalize it because I had lost my ability to speak. In a flash the snake vanished out of sight. Not only did he vanish, but he vanished in the direction of my garage.

At this point, I lost hope. I got very quiet and very sad because I knew the only logical course of action was to pack up and move. Oh, how I am going to miss my house! T.Puzzle, who normally is compassionate towards other forms of life, started marching to the front door shouting,’Kill the snake! Kill the snake!” So much for raising a level-headed, life-cherishing leader for our future. Sorry, America!

What was most difficult for my adrenaline-addled brain to comprehend was why on earth would Mad Dog think I would want to see a snake. To be clear I am terrified of snakes, dead lizards, fire ants, heights, massive crowds, sudden noises like balloons popping or fireworks, and realistically scary movies (I’m talking to you Contagion). Please spare me the knowledge if one or more of these things manifest in our driveway ever again.

Mad Dog I love you. I’m sorry we have to move. We had a good run. I’d write more but I’m pretty sure there’s a snake right behind me. Even if there isn’t, I have a feeling there will always be the memory of that snake watching me and waiting for our moment to get reaquainted. Save yourselves!

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