My gut reaction is always ‘no’. I do not like to be spontaneous. I like plans and think that sticking to them prevents meltdowns and unnecessary drama. This is my weak attempt at controlling life. Do routines and plans give me comfort? Yes. Do these routines and plans always work out how I want them to? No.
Part of evolving as a woman and a parent you have to look at yourself and try to make some changes. You have to look at all parts of the whole. Some of these parts are not so great. How do you know when you’ve found a not so great part? When you examine it you feel uncomfortable in the pit of your stomach. That uneasy feeling is your signal you’ve hit pay dirt.
My hidden issue is control. Growing up I learned to endure an often challenging environment by becoming an impossible perfectionist. Spontaneity doesn’t really jive with this.
So, why did I marry someone like Mad Dog? He is at heart a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy.
I married him because somewhere deep down I knew my cookie-cutter ways needed to be challenged.
Yesterday when we were on our way to the outlet mall to buy Full Speed some long pants Mad Dog said, “Let’s see if we can find you a dress and take the boys to a nice dinner.”
Oh, well let me tell you every part of my being screamed ‘no!’. I was in exercise gear, no make-up and hair disastrously unwashed (I was wearing a baseball cap no less!). I tried to imagine finding a flattering dress, trying it on, having it actually fit all the while keeping my boys from wreaking insane havoc on the store and its patrons. I started to sweat, my heart rate increased and my anxiety shot through the roof.
But, I didn’t say no.
I made the conscious effort to know this is my first instinct, and while it has been my coping mechanism in the past, my life is such that I don’t need ‘no’ as a crutch in the same way.
Okay, there was one point when I was agonizing over the size and color of the dress and T.Puzzle and Full Speed were running boisterous laps that I was about ready to throw my hands up in defeat. Instead I pushed through. I found a dress, we grabbed some nice shirts for Mad Dog and the boys and went and had a fancy ocean side dinner.
Change is good. In fact, it’s ocean breeze-awsome scallops-good wine-great company fantastic.