The Secret Plan

I’m about to share with you a highly effective yet secret way you can stalk look-out for your seventh grader.  It’s so top-secret that if your name is Full Speed, you must immediately stop reading this and step away from this blog post.  I’m totally serious.  You do not have a high enough security level clearance, and more importantly, you would be on to me.  Walk away, Full Speed.  Walk away.

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Full Speed walking one of our highly-trained extremely adorable dogs

Part one of my secret plan is that you have to get a dog well in advance of your middle-schooler having to take the bus to school.  I’m talking maybe a decade or so in advance.  Trust me, this will help you seem credible when the chips are down.  After you have secured your status as a dog owner, you have to start walking them religiously to the point you become well-known in your neighborhood as the ‘dog lady’ which, let’s hope, references your dog ownership and NOT your appearance.  Anyway, you have to walk the same route day after day.  You must casually interact with all the middle schoolers who hang out at the bus stop at the end of your subdivision.  This part is actually pretty awesome because you get to bring some levity to their day and your dog will love the attention.  If you want to be extra sneaky, get TWO dogs.  I’m telling you, middle schoolers will love you for it.  The more fluffy appreciation they receive to start their day, the more you fit in under the radar.

Once you have this routine solidly on lock-down, then it seems completely normal for you to check-in on your own kid when the time arrives for him to join in the morning band of middle-schoolers.  Again, it’s awesome to have your dogs bring so much happiness especially now that your own kid is included in the bunch.  See?  Stealth stalking  supervision complete!

And, I will neither confirm or deny at this point because my plan is working so beautifully, but it’s possible my fluffy companions are robotic stunt dogs.

Whatever it takes.  Do whatever it takes.

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Grandparent(ly)

Full Speed and I were out for a stroll.  The sun was shining, the birds were singing and life was good.  We had already sufficiently dissected the latest Cubs news and the topic of conversation switched over to Full Speed’s possible future family.  When this topic arises I try very hard to be normal.  If you know me at all, normal is a huge stretch.  By normal I mean non-reactive.  I don’t ever want him to feel he needs to get married and have kids.  If it happens great, but if not, that’s fine by me, too.  So, there I was being cool and calm.  He then noted that I may be what might be considered a lenient (?) grandmother.  I feigned shock.  How could he surmise such an idea I asked?  Well, it has something to do with how I treat my dog.  Apparently I ‘baby’ him?  This is shocking to me!!  I merely treat him in a way that all pet owners should treat their animals.  I simply set the bar high in this regard.

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This is a totally acceptable outfit for a dog.

Full Speed then went on to share an imagined scenario of me interacting with his future child.

Future Awesome Grandchild: “Grandma, I accidentally murdered your next door neighbor.”

Future Awesome Me:  “Oh, that’s okay little Sunshine.  I know you didn’t mean it and I didn’t really like them any way (not true, I have some great neighbors for the record).”

Full Speed did this whole bit in a sing-songy way implying that I may be the Snow White of all Future Grandmothers.

All I can say is that if Grandmotherhood is in the cards for me, I’m gonna crush it.