humor, motherhood

Close Quarters

I’m not sure exactly why my family still allows me to wield a knife.

To give some context, a few weeks prior to quarantine I decided to begin a meal kit delivery service.  Lucky for us, we now have a few meals a week planned and delivered, but the dark side of this is, well, …me.

It all started innocently enough. Sure! I thought. Why not have the boys alternate nights and ‘help’ me.  Our first forays into the realm of kitchen adventure were tense.  I barked orders and became increasingly exasperated by each and every OBVIOUS question.

Case in point:

Full Speed (asking this while I have burners going and the oven already ablaze): “Where are the paper towels?”

You mean the paper towels that are two feet away from you sitting in the very spot they have sat for NEARLY TWO YEARS?  You mean those paper towels?

OR

“Full Speed, could you grab the pulled pork from the fridge?  It’s on the third shelf from the top.”

An inordinate amount of time passed, even though I am busy with twenty other things, I pause because I didn’t ask him to go to Timbuktu to get it.  Our kitchen ain’t big folks!  I look up to see him squatting down absently perusing the bottom draws of our refrigerator.

“Um, Full Speed.  Those are DRAWERS, I said SHELF.”

Thinking this solved the issue, I went back to work.  And, still, no pulled pork arrived.

With painstaking effort to not lose my cool, I glanced up AGAIN.  This time I found him looking at the inside door catchalls that hold condiments and drinks and the like but NOT THE PULLED PORK.

“Full Speed,

IT

IS

ON

THE

THIRD

SHELF

FROM

THE

TOP.”

I said this while thrusting my finger at the pulled pork like an accusation.

The whole scenario, while only lasting a minute or two, left me feeling drained.

Fortunately, for all involved, I had finished the chopping portion of our meal prep so the knife was already put away, but other times, I won’t say the danger was imminent, but there were some dangerous moments (at least in my mind).

It’s a harrowing existence as the lone emotional being in a house of super laid-back men.  I wouldn’t want it any other way, but I definitely am the most shall we say ‘expressive’ of our family.  Most of my outbursts and/or meltdowns are due to the stress of our current situation.  Contrary to popular opinion, I am falling within a normal category of cooped-up-and-about-to-lose-it behaviors.  My favorite is when Full Speed then imitates my meltdown.

“I’m Mom and I’m mad for no apparent reason.  Stop looking at me. Stop taking up space. Stop existing.  Just. Stop.”

He does this while flailing his arms about while shouting hysterically.

He’s not wrong.

I commend you if you have yet to lose it.  Please tell me how you have managed this feat.

Please.

And, if you have lost it, know you are not alone. Just dust yourself off and get on with your day.

I trust you know the difference between a drawer and a shelf so obviously you are already crushing your day.

 

IMG_8507
T.Puzzle vs Mad Dog in chess T.Puzzle 30 Mad Dog 1 And, there was one tie so Mad Dog has to feel great about that.
IMG_8515
My foray into painting with watercolor because weirdly I have tons of free time. #LetsMakeArt
IMG_8520
Quarantine Easter. Grateful to be together.
IMG_8526
Guess who loves her family in quarantine? #SorryNotSorry
IMG_0798
Max showing off some of his prodigious napping skills.

 

dogs, humor, motherhood

Love is All Around

I love Love.

I really, really do.

I love it so much in fact (Star Wars spoiler alert), I still held out hope Kylo Ren and Rey would get married at the end of the Rise of Skywalker.

#ReyloEverAfter

Love shows up in all forms.  That’s what makes it so incredibly awesome.  Snuggling with a favorite pet, having lunch with a best friend, even sunshine breaking through the clouds on a rainy day all feel like love to me.

Whether you love Love or not, you may agree there is value in expressing how we feel to those we care about.  I make it a point, and happily so, to tell my boys how much I love them on a regular basis.  Being that they are teenagers, as you might imagine, this goes over like gangbusters.

“Full Speed, Full Speed, Full Speed!” I said.  I love to say his name several times in a row because it bothers him.  This is how I know he will pay attention to what I have to say next because, really mom … stop.  Just. Stop.

“Full Speed, Full Speed, Full Speed!  I love you so much!  I really do!  I love everything about you.”

I held my breath in anticipation for what was sure to be an articulate and wondrous response:

“Okay?”

Well, not exactly the enthusiasm I was looking for so I move on to my next target son.

“T.Puzzle!  I love you so much!  You know what I love the most about you?

(wait for it … )

Everything!”

T.Puzzle heard me, took a moment to process and, as he backed slowly out of the room said, “Well that just warms my heart.”

Yep!  That’s it.  That’s all I get.

I am so ready for Google translation to figure out dogspeak.

I know Max wouldn’t let me down.

#TrueLove

#FurEver

#IAlsoLovePuns

#MadDogIsAHottie

#HappyValentinesDay

#YouRock

#YesIMeanYOU

IMG_8356

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dogs, motherhood

Justice Has Been Served

Like me, you may have mixed emotions about being called up for jury duty.  It may not be the happiest way to spend your day, but you can’t deny it is a privilege to be part of the justice system.   Yet, as I was packed in a room with a thousand other people who seemed to not really want to be there, I started to pay extra close attention to the information video describing exemptions from service.

Are you under 18 years of age?

Shoot.  Definitely not me.  In fact, my boys are laughing so hard after reading that, it’s best to move on.

Are you not a citizen of the United States?

Born and raised.  Next, please.

Do you live outside of county lines?

Darn it.  Smack dab in the middle.

Do you have kids 12 and under that require your supervision?

Please don’t bring attention to the fact that I AM A MOM OF TEENAGERS.  Onward.

Do you have a family member whose care is dependent on you and this care would suffer if you had to serve as a jury member?

Wait. What?

Does six rounds of daily eye meds and a desperate need to be near me at all hours of the day count?

Maybe?

They technically never stated the family member had to be human…

IMG_8207
If the tie fits…

In case you were wondering, I was dismissed from duty by 11am.  Next time, I’ll be ready though, just in case.

 

 

 

 

 

 

dogs, humor, motherhood

Sweater Weather

As our Little Guy heads towards the downslope of his fifteenth year, we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep him stable, happy and comfortable.  His eyes are good, we found food he enjoys and generally speaking he has an excellent quality of life.  He struggled for a bit sleeping through the night but once we realized it was because he felt cold, sweaters are now a part of his daily wardrobe.

Now he sleeps like a champ.

Whether you agree with pets wearing sweaters or not, you might agree the awesome upside is Little Guy’s sweaters bring cuteness to the world.

Who couldn’t use a little more of that in their day?

IMG_6431

 

 

humor, motherhood

When It Rains It Pours (Vomit?): Lucky Post #800!

Judy the American Airlines flight attendant is my new, very best friend.  No offense to my current stock of friends, but Judy is my everything.

She just is.

A close second is the person who invented Clorox wipes, but I digress.

The week leading up to when my serious girl crush developed had all sorts of mayhem crammed into it.  First and foremost, there is Little Guy.  His eye care has recently gone next level.  Rounds and rounds of drops/ointments, pain meds, surgery, office visits and wearing a cone are just some of the delights he is experiencing.  This also happened to be the week I had to take boys’ to their new eye doctor for the first time.  If you know any of their eye history, this is no small task AND we had an out-of-state wedding to prepare for and travel to.  Imagine trying to explain Little Guy’s thirteen sets of eye meds to a dog sitter (not including his as-needed pain meds):

IMG_6078

Just imagine.

Our dog sitter and her family are also my other new, very best friends.

Miraculously, Little Guy held steady while we were away and at today’s follow-up, dropped from thirteen rounds of meds to six.  SIX!  (insert happy dance here)   And, despite all the logistics of traveling, the wedding was beautiful and spending time with family meant a lot to all of us.  However, when it was time to fly home, I was feeling quite exhausted and understandably so.

IMG_6068

Since Mad Dog is an expert traveler, oftentimes he can upgrade me, sometimes more of us to first class.  It is usually the ‘first-class’ that is separated from coach by a tiny, half-attempt at a curtain and the main perk is getting served water first, but hey, the seats are bigger and I can’t complain.  But on our flight home after the wedding, I got upgraded to real first-class.

It was everything I dreamed of and more.

This is when I first met Judy.  She pampered me.  She gave me a warm, scented cloth for my hands, she constantly topped off my water and she did it all with genuine flair.  She even gave me chips and southwest dip!

Really, she had me at warm, scented hand cloth.

T.Puzzle and Full Speed got upgraded, too.  T.Puzzle sat next to me, Full Speed right in front of us, and poor Mad Dog got stuck in a middle seat back in coach.  While I did feel guilty about Mad Dog, my focus was quickly diverted by the swarm of snacks and amenities being showered upon me.

After a crazy week, ok, after a crazy year, I did my best to soak it all in.

About mid-way through the flight, T.Puzzle started to look not-so-good to me.  He was flushed and a bit squirmy.  My mother’s instinct went on high alert and I scanned him for symptoms.  He had eaten a big lunch and had been fine all day.  He said his stomach did not hurt but he had mucus in his throat.  It didn’t surprise me with all we had going on.  Since he said his stomach was fine, I chalked it up to fatigue and maybe coming down with a cold of some sort.

But, still, my internal alarm system kept thinking it could be more …

“Are you sure you don’t feel like you are going to throw up?”

“No,” T.Puzzle said.

I mean I can only ask the kid this question so many times.  Eventually, he got so tired, he laid his head down on my balled-up scarf and went to sleep.

Thirty minutes later he woke up vomiting like a poltergeist.

Who knew a small boy could create so much vomit?  It was like he was a prodigy of vomit production and since he caught us both by surprise, this cascade of vomit went EVERYWHERE.

This is the moment that solidified my BFF status with Judy.  Judy single-handedly got me and T.Puzzle through the rest of that flight.

Judy.

I love you.

Though we survived this flight which will forever be known as Vomit-Fest 2018, some of our carry-ons did not.  We had to toss a backpack and T.Puzzle’s shoes (they were a spare of Full Speed’s anyway).  The future of my suede jacket remains in the balance.  I don’t want to alarm you, but prepare yourself for the worst.

When we finally made it home, I Cloroxed everything I could within an inch of its life. I took a long, hot shower but still felt gross.

I may never feel whole again.

Life is funny like that.  It can hand you more vomit than you think you can manage but then the likes of someone like Judy will come to your rescue.

So no matter how dire your circumstances, hang in there.

The Judys of the world will find their way to you.

I strongly suggest not wearing suede until well after they arrive.

 

Here is the commendation I wrote to American Airlines to give my BFF the credit she so deserves:

 

Hello,

I am certain there are not enough superlatives to capture our flight attendant Judy’s level of service.

After an extremely stressful week in addition to traveling to Ohio for a wedding, my youngest son became ill on the flight home. He was asleep and caught us both off guard when he woke up vomiting.

It was horrible and messy as you might imagine, but Judy was with us every step of the way. She made do with the supplies on hand, kept us calm and gave both of us constant reassurance that all would be well. She told us it happens all the time and that a clean-up crew was on standby once we landed. She gave me gloves to help me clean the mess as best I could, helped me place newspapers over it and plastic bags to keep it contained and then she did all she could to comfort me and my son. She offered him water to swish out the sick and gave him a mint to suck on to help with the taste and settle his stomach. It was as if she was always one step ahead.

My son is doing much better today, but we both agree, we still feel a bit queasy over the extent of his vomiting yesterday.

Judy made something awful bearable. Her steady demeanor and non-judgmental attitude saved the day. Please extend to her our deepest gratitude.

My son would like to add in this: “Thank you for cleaning up all the puke I puked. It was really nice of you to do that even though it was gross and messy. I also really liked the candy you gave me to get the taste out of my mouth. You are a great flight attendant.”

Sincerely, WFAM and T.Puzzle