children, health, humor, kids, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting

Full (Speed) of Hot Air

Children and gastrointestinal issues go hand in hand.  Mad Dog and I have witnessed this firsthand.

When Full Speed shared that his ‘tummy hurt’ and then proceeded to turn a sickly pale color, we changed our dinner plans.  Nevermind that we had only seconds before pulled into the restaurant parking lot and were ready to exit the car and head inside.

We weren’t in a gambling mood.

Instead we decided to grab some food at a drive-thru and eat at home.  That way if Full Speed had any issues, we would be out of the public’s always watching eyes and have access to cleaning products if the need should arise.

We couldn’t figure out if Full Speed was really ill.  He was pale and restrained one moment, then hyper and happy the next.

After we picked up our food and had it spread out on our kitchen table, a low rumbling noise began deep in the bowels of Full Speed.  It went on and on a rose with a vengence and a long-winded burp escaped from his lips (you could have spelled Mississippi fourteen times before it was over).  An embarrassed smile spread across his face as he smirked out the words, “Excuuuuse meeeee!”  Mad Dog and I could tell he instantly felt better as the color returned to his cheeks.

Aha!  Full Speed’s stomach ailment was solved.

If only all mysterious child illnesses and behaviors could be dissected so easily.

children, marital blissishness, parenting

Take It Down A Notch

T.Puzzle, Full Speed and Mad Dog are all home with me. T.Puzzle because it’s his day to be home, Full Speed because of his projectile vomiting last night and Mad Dog because he is taking a work-cation day (he’s home but has to take a couple calls).

Full Speed woke up in an excellent mood and seems to have completely recovered. He has a fantastic appetite and is playfully energetic. He told me that he does feel better but will only be able to go back to school by next Thursday. He’s quite serious. I’m quite serious that he will be back at school tomorrow and not six days from now.

We decided to run some errands and then pick up lunch (are you sensing my lack of cooking motivation in recent posts?). Blockbuster was the first stop. Mad Dog and I thought the boys could pick out something to help entertain them for the day. As we enter the doors Full Speed announces, “I’m sick!” Not great timing I must say and Mad Dog and I pretend he isn’t talking while quietly chuckling to ourselves.

smackAs with all outings, it rapidly turns into a frenzied whirlwind of ‘don’t touch that’, ‘please put that down’, and ‘where did your brother go’? The boys are touching everything at their eye-level. Finally after much calamity, they both reach a decision and walk to the front of the store with their chosen movies in hand. When we take the DVDs and place them up on the counter, T.Puzzle loses it. He can’t believe the cashier would take it from him. I try to tell him that she will hand it back as soon as we pay for it. He can’t hear me over his wailing and moaning. I sigh a deep sigh and wish I was somewhere else.

After T.Puzzle has his ‘Thomas the Train’ DVD safely returned to his clutches, we pile back in the truck and head to Wendy’s (no Chick-Fil-A for Full Speed). As we pull up to order, Full Speed declares that he is never eating a chicken nugget again for the rest of his life. That’s fine by me, especially after yesterday’s unfortunate incident. We order him a cheeseburger and then nuggets for T.Puzzle (chicken nuggets are still the bread and butter of T.Puzzle’s life).

On the drive home, Mad Dog is feeling his work-cation day. He is hyper and full of energy (you can see where my boys get it from). The boys are feeding off his crazy energy and I am on edge. I am not a happy camper when I’m hungry and I’m already at my limit after our outing to Blockbuster. I asked Mad Dog to take it down a notch hoping that will shift the whole energy in the vehicle. Instead of calming down, he starts talking in an obnoxiously low-toned voice. He keeps talking like that and I’m ready to smack him. “You are hysterical, keep it up,” I say through gritted teeth. I eventually laugh despite myself. He thinks he’s the cat’s meow because now I’m laughing. The energy never subsides. I can’t win today.

Once home and the food is spread before us, Full Speed looks at his cheeseburger and then at his little brother’s chicken nuggets. “Can I have one of T.Puzzle’s nuggets?” Is this coming from the same boy who moments prior proclaimed his lifetime ban of all things nuggets? High, low or indifferent, the tone of my voice matters little. “No,” is all I say and that says it all.

humor, marital blissishness, mommyhood, self-discovery

Loose Change

We are on our way out the door and Full Speed says, “I’ll hold the door for you, Mommy.” As I pass through he follows and I close the door behind us.

“Don’t forget to lock the door, Mom. We don’t want anyone to sneak in except for the Easter Bunny.” Then he proceeds to recount his glorious memories of Easter and how that magical bunny made his way into our home and left him lots of cool stuff.

I love the random things that come out of his mouth. twenty eight

When I picked up the boys from school they were wild with enthusiasm and not behaving in a calm manner (no surprise there!). We get to that door (oh, that darn, alarmed door) and Full Speed cocks back his leg and lets a swift kick go. Fortunately, his kick wasn’t strong enough to budge it open and everyone’s ears were saved from the piercing alarm sound.

I look down at him and say in my most exasperated Mommy-voice, “How many times do I need to tell you NOT to touch the door until I push the green button?”

He pauses and looks at me. “Twenty-eight.”

He says it like I’m suppose to know this number. Apparently, I was only at twenty-seven even though it feels like I have to remind him every single time NOT to touch the door. I hope we hit twenty-eight soon.

I decide to take them to Wendy’s for drive-thru cuisine (somehow it makes me feel like less of a slacker if I refer to it as cuisine) because Mad Dog is away on business and I am tired. When Mad Dog told me a few weeks back he would be gone for the four days leading up to Full Speed’s second surgery I was mostly calm. I told him that even though I was taking this bit of information calmly, that I would most likely be passively aggressive as his departure date approached. Then I said, who am I kidding? I’m going to be overtly aggressive. And true to form, I was (your welcome, my dear).

We get to the speaker-thing you order your stuff at and I tell the boys to stop fighting or Wendy’s won’t be able to hear me. This shuts T.Puzzle right up because the only thing he loves more than his Mommy are chicken nuggets.

I end up sounding like I have a screw loose. I awkwardly stumble through our order like it’s a complex math equation as opposed to a simple, fast food order. The man taking my order seems slightly perturbed as he has to ask several, qualifying questions because I’m not making a whole lot of sense. I’m frazzled. I have Full Speed asking me a million meaningless questions, I have about forty-seven more things to accomplish before bedtime and I wish my husband was home to lighten the load. The man tells me the total and I pull around to the second window to pay my $12.08. I thought to save the patient, Wendy’s employee some time that I will make exact change for him. So I hand him two tens and exactly eight cents. I’m proud of myself for doing it, too.

He returns shortly with my food and then hands me some cash and a heaping pile of change. I have no idea what the true total was but I know I had it totally wrong. This guy must think I’m an idiot to only give him eight cents towards whatever the amount was (which clearly was a whole lot more). So I’m making trouble instead of saving trouble. Now I see where my boys get it from.