Tag: loss of mother

grief, loss of parent, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery

3 Years

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This is the third anniversary of when my Mom passed away.  I would like to think that somehow losing a loved one gets easier.  It does not.  It only changes inside you.  The loss becomes a permanent part of your soul.  It never leaves you.

I miss having her in my world.  I miss having that reassurance that she would always be there and that more importantly, she would listen to me and truly care about what I had to say.

Isn’t that what anyone wants?  To be heard, to be seen and to be truly, truly loved.  Imagine if everyone in the world had access to that kind of love.  The bad days would be bearable, the sweet days would be more so and we’d all be a little bit kinder to ourselves and to each other.

Each day is a new opportunity to learn about ourselves.  I learned so very much from my own mother.  Some of the lessons were easy and beautiful.  Some of the lessons were not.

In the end the most important lesson I learned from my Mom is that it all comes down to forgiveness.

No one is ever going to be perfect and that’s okay.  Perfect doesn’t teach us a thing.  Real life, real love and real relationships do.

My Mom and I saw each other as we really are and still loved each other anyway.  That’s the real deal.

I miss you, Mom!

children, grief, kids, life in pictures, loss of parent, marriage, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery

Love & Birthdays

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Happy 6th birthday, Full Speed!

 

I am having many mixed feelings about Full Speed’s sixth birthday today.  I am excited for him and happy his remarkable growth and change are being marked in such a celebratory way.  The challenge is not having my Mom here to help me celebrate or to share in all the wonderful milestones Full Speed has achieved in the past year.

It was hard enough that she wasn’t here to offer support and guidance when he started kindergarten.  Now, with each passing year, Full Speed is growing into who he is meant to be and she won’t be able to see it.   I wish she could because this kid is only getting better with age.

As the distance grows from the last point in which my Mom was in my life, it is ever more shocking to my system that she really isn’t coming back.

I’d also like to apologize to Mad Dog for my extra crazy, unpredictible moods as of late.  I am in the last stages of processing my Mom’s absence and while I will never fully let her go, I will move forward in a more even-handed manner.  I promise.

All I can do is my absolute best.  I will celebrate the good times in my present and honor the sadness as it floats up from my past.

I am grateful for the time that I had with my Mom.  I believe the joy I have managed to create in my own little corner of the world is possible through her choices and example.   I watched and I learned.  I made some different choices of my own.  Most importantly, I was loved.

Thanks, Mom.

grief, loss of parent, mommyhood

Mom

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Grandma and Grandpa with Full Speed, T.Puzzle and all the gang (minus Baby D who would join the world in three months) at Disney World December of 2008.

My ‘vacation’ is officially over and a semi-quiet has settled over my house. It is in this quietude that I can reflect back on all the fun and a little bit of the sad. It has been well over a year since my Mom’s passing and I can honestly say that the grief process has gotten better. In my everyday life I’m adjusting more and more to her absence, but when big or interesting events like this recent vacation pop up, the sting of her loss still gets me.

Mad Dog and I were married at Disney World in December of 2003. Since that time we have made several trips back there and up until her death, my Mom was always with us. This last trip without her had a lot of great moments but also had some moments we wished my Mom could be with us. Our kids only slightly picked up on our random bouts of sadness or so I thought. As my sister and her family were leaving for home yesterday, we got very emotional as we said goodbye. There was no dialogue about missing our Mom, but the emotion exchanged in the air between us was palpable.

Once my sister’s family was gone and I was left with the boys and my sad thoughts, Full Speed looks at me and says, “I miss Grandma.”

“I miss her, too and so does Aunt Skee. That’s why we seemed sad today.”

“Mom, don’t be sad. Aunt Skee has her kids to keep her happy and you have me and little T.Puzzle to keep you happy.”

My heart was warmed by his perceptive compassion but I couldn’t help but wish my Mom was right there in that moment to see it.

Miss you, Mom.

children, grief, loss of parent, mommyhood

It Wasn’t All Sad

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I made a pact with myself. Yes, Mother’s Day would be sad, and yes, I would do my best to enjoy it despite the sadness. It sort of worked. I went for a run in the morning. I’m not a huge fan of running but I am a huge fan of occasional solitude. The best part of my run is when it is over and I’m walking towards home to cool-down.

As I open the door to the house, I hear the shower going. Mad Dog was showering the boys before our Mother’s Day outing. He was doing it without help. I know he is perfectly capable but I went upstairs to investigate.

Here’s what I found:

Apparently while Mad Dog was finishing up in the shower, the suspects decided to proceed with their normal bathing routine unassisted. They know enough that once they are clean that Mom slathers them up with lotion before they get dressed. So, Little T.Puzzle got a hold of the body lotion and as you can tell, the rest is mess-covered history.

These shenanigans helped cheer me tremendously. These amazing Mother’s Day gifts from my the boys helped, too.

This was my second Mother’s Day without my Mom and in a lot of ways it was painful and in some ways it wasn’t so bad. My life must go on because I am a mother, too. My boys are depending on me and I sure am lucky to have them.

grief, loss of parent, self-discovery

Mother’s Day

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I’m not too keen on celebrating Mother’s Day this year since I no longer have a mother. To counteract my sad little funk I thought I would share a couple of fun pics of my Mom.

This first photo is of her enjoying our last, big family trip to Disney World. The background is dark because we were in the tunnels of ‘It’s a Small World’. She’s smiling because my boys were so into it and because she was happy. Happy to have so many loved ones in one place.

The second is a fun photo of her by a Ben and Jerry’s sign. Ice cream, hot dogs and baseball were possibly the only things she loved almost as much as her family. You could always keep her happy with a turtle sundae or a cone filled with butter pecan.

So, today is Mother’s Day. If you are a Mom I celebrate you for doing one of the hardest jobs in the world. If you still have a Mom, give her a call, a card or a present of thanks. Enjoy your day!