grief, loss of parent, mommyhood

Mom

Grandma and Grandpa with Full Speed, T.Puzzle and all the gang (minus Baby D who would join the world in three months) at Disney World December of 2008.

My ‘vacation’ is officially over and a semi-quiet has settled over my house. It is in this quietude that I can reflect back on all the fun and a little bit of the sad. It has been well over a year since my Mom’s passing and I can honestly say that the grief process has gotten better. In my everyday life I’m adjusting more and more to her absence, but when big or interesting events like this recent vacation pop up, the sting of her loss still gets me.

Mad Dog and I were married at Disney World in December of 2003. Since that time we have made several trips back there and up until her death, my Mom was always with us. This last trip without her had a lot of great moments but also had some moments we wished my Mom could be with us. Our kids only slightly picked up on our random bouts of sadness or so I thought. As my sister and her family were leaving for home yesterday, we got very emotional as we said goodbye. There was no dialogue about missing our Mom, but the emotion exchanged in the air between us was palpable.

Once my sister’s family was gone and I was left with the boys and my sad thoughts, Full Speed looks at me and says, “I miss Grandma.”

“I miss her, too and so does Aunt Skee. That’s why we seemed sad today.”

“Mom, don’t be sad. Aunt Skee has her kids to keep her happy and you have me and little T.Puzzle to keep you happy.”

My heart was warmed by his perceptive compassion but I couldn’t help but wish my Mom was right there in that moment to see it.

Miss you, Mom.

grief, loss of parent, self-discovery

Mother’s Day

I’m not too keen on celebrating Mother’s Day this year since I no longer have a mother. To counteract my sad little funk I thought I would share a couple of fun pics of my Mom.

This first photo is of her enjoying our last, big family trip to Disney World. The background is dark because we were in the tunnels of ‘It’s a Small World’. She’s smiling because my boys were so into it and because she was happy. Happy to have so many loved ones in one place.

The second is a fun photo of her by a Ben and Jerry’s sign. Ice cream, hot dogs and baseball were possibly the only things she loved almost as much as her family. You could always keep her happy with a turtle sundae or a cone filled with butter pecan.

So, today is Mother’s Day. If you are a Mom I celebrate you for doing one of the hardest jobs in the world. If you still have a Mom, give her a call, a card or a present of thanks. Enjoy your day!

loss of parent, self-discovery

Along the Way

Today is a sad day. It is the one year anniversary of when my Mom died.

She was a kind and generous soul and had a smile that could light up the world.

Here is a picture of her when she was a senior in college. She was so unassumingly beautiful and quiet. I think this picture captures that perfectly.

I miss her a lot.

When I ‘talk’ to her now, I do know what she would say. I guess being lucky enough to have a wonderful Mom for 34 years, you learn a thing or two along the way.

good grief, loss of parent

17 Days

I have to acknowledge this date of February 21st. Exactly a year ago was when my sister called me to tell me my Mom had stage IV pancreatic cancer. Mad Dog and I had returned from getting the boys haircuts and we were out on our lanai when I took the call. I dropped everything and was with my Mom and family by ten o’clock that night. When there was no one else around, my Mom and I stayed up late into the night and talked about life, love and death. She thanked me for being there and I said that I was honored to share this experience with her. It is something I will hold close to me for the rest of my life.

She was gone in 17 days.

I keep thinking of the memories that took place over those days. I comforted her, cared for her and loved her with everything I am. I helped her to be fearless and open to the possibility that what was happening could be beautiful. In very inexplicable ways, it was.

I still miss her every single day.

I love you, Mom.

children, happiness, parenting

For the Love of Trains

If you are doing what you are supposed to be doing in life your face should look like this…..

That is the joy T.Puzzle demonstrated at the Christmas-themed model train display. I mean for goodness sakes there was even a Thomas the Tank Engine train!!!

Fun was had by all as the boys scurried from one station to the next. They could press buttons and make different sections light up and move. That is until Full Speed thought it was his little brother trying to climb up on his chair (it wasn’t, it was a poor, unsuspecting boy we did not know). Full Speed shouts and brings his arm back and attempts to karate-chop off the boy’s head.

It was time to cut our losses and leave. Of course this turned little T.Puzzle’s joy into sadness.

However, all’s well that ends well with pizza.