inspiration, motherhood, Writing

To Love, Always

“There is a famous question that shows up, it seems, in every single self-help book ever written: What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

But I’ve always seen it differently. I think the fiercest question of all is this one: What would you do even if you knew that you might very well fail?”

–Liz Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

There are only two things I would do no matter how many times I fail.

Writing is the first.

Loving others is the second.

There are times I despaired when my essays were rejected or the doors of opportunity jolted shut, but I always returned to my notebook.

As for loving others, this has proven a bit more complicated. Throughout my life I have spent so much energy mitigating the love in my heart so that I might blend in, but, much to my amazement my heart lives life on its own terms.

My heart believes that each of us are intrinsically good, and when when we cover over this “goodness” it’s because somewhere along the way, we believed something untruthful about ourselves. In whatever form rejection came to us, we believed the lie that enveloped it. We mistakenly thought we weren’t enough as-we-are and in order to have love, we needed to change ourselves. We cannot blame the messengers of these lies. They, too, were lied to about their own value and worth and like us, believed they weren’t enough as-they-are.

Therefore to offer compassion and forgiveness to another, no matter how much they have hurt us, is essentially offering this same love and compassion to ourselves.

We all have traits and characteristics we wish we could change. We all have ways we could improve, but the only thing we ever need to do, is return ourselves, our views, our opinions, and our perspectives, and bring them all back to love.

Never, ever stop loving.

grief, loss of parent, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery

3 Years

This is the third anniversary of when my Mom passed away.  I would like to think that somehow losing a loved one gets easier.  It does not.  It only changes inside you.  The loss becomes a permanent part of your soul.  It never leaves you.

I miss having her in my world.  I miss having that reassurance that she would always be there and that more importantly, she would listen to me and truly care about what I had to say.

Isn’t that what anyone wants?  To be heard, to be seen and to be truly, truly loved.  Imagine if everyone in the world had access to that kind of love.  The bad days would be bearable, the sweet days would be more so and we’d all be a little bit kinder to ourselves and to each other.

Each day is a new opportunity to learn about ourselves.  I learned so very much from my own mother.  Some of the lessons were easy and beautiful.  Some of the lessons were not.

In the end the most important lesson I learned from my Mom is that it all comes down to forgiveness.

No one is ever going to be perfect and that’s okay.  Perfect doesn’t teach us a thing.  Real life, real love and real relationships do.

My Mom and I saw each other as we really are and still loved each other anyway.  That’s the real deal.

I miss you, Mom!

mommyhood, terrible threes

Oh, Snap!

It’s time for a Mommy Confession: I totally lost it today with little T.Puzzle. Quite simply, I snapped.

All Moms snap at some point and only a handful of us willingly own up to it. Most of the time moms talk in hushed tones about their ‘snappage’ and will only share a tiny sliver of what really went down. They let a little something slip here or there and then hold their breath waiting for the reaction of the surrounding mothers. If I’m in the group and hear you have snapped, I got your back. Trust me, I know that your kid wasn’t sitting there quietly doing what they were told. There are always precursors to the snappage and some of it is the mom’s responsibility and some of it is your child’s.

I had taken little T.Puzzle on some errands. Overall, his level of compliance and general mood for errands has consistently been on the up and up. He did great at Target and then it all hit the fan when we went to Publix (even the free cookie did not help). By the time we were leaving, everything I asked him to do he ignored. He kept touching the conveyor belt, fiddled with the credit card scanner and wouldn’t sit on his bottom.

When we arrived home it was pouring down rain. I shuffled him inside and left the door ajar. I told him to leave it open so I could cart the soggy groceries in as quickly as possible. As I race to the door loaded down with bags, little T.Puzzle waits to the last possible moment as my feet are centimeters from the threshold, gives me an evil smile and slams the door in my face.

I open the door and that’s when it happens. I snap. His sassy demeanor instantly crumbles and I grab my bags and go off into the kitchen in a huff. He follows me in and keeps crying. I stop in my tracks, take a deep, deep breath and scoop him up in my arms.

All was forgiven but not forgotten. Wouldn’t the world be a fantastic place if everyone would just listen to their Moms in the first place?