Truth!

In addition to cleaning out my closets, I have been cleaning up my blog.  I have a newly updated About page which you can read here:

ABOUT

I went through my first year of posts to edit the boys’ names.  I originally referred to them as Frick and Frack.  These were the nicknames my mom gave them when they were very little.  You could see how this could become confusing to a reader so I went back through and updated their names to Full Speed and T.Puzzle.  There are a lot of posts in that first year that made me laugh out loud and made my heart swell with love.  There are touching posts, posts about the loss of my mother and posts about how Mad Dog is always right (not really!) and as a married couple we never fight (no comment!).  There are some posts I read through where I cringed and broke out in a cold sweat.  It was like I was right back in it.  Reliving those vivid details of some of the epic power struggles I endured with my boys (especially T.Puzzle at the onset of his terrible threes) was not for the faint of heart.  After reading these I fully understand why I never felt compelled to expand my brood.  However, I am deeply grateful for the two that I have.  One of the biggest takeaways in terms of my parenting abilities is NEVER ASK ME HOW TO POTTY TRAIN!  I failed repeatedly and miserably not once but twice.  There was a point in time that I wondered if I should buy stock in Pull-Ups as I was fairly certain my boys would be wearing them FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!  Again, I could not do that again.  Two is my absolute limit.  I heard the Pull-Ups people were really bummed to hear that.

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T.Puzzle is stunned that he actually learned to use the potty.

There were some stand-out posts and there were some where I was clearly phoning it in.  However, there was one in particular that floored me.  It is the one I wrote on the year anniversary of Writes for All Mommies’ inception date.  Here is my favorite passage from it:

I think the biggest change for me has been coming to terms with motherhood. I think sometimes when we are unhappy with who we are, we blame our choices and our circumstances. I will admit, especially in the newborn years, I struggled with my all-consuming role as a mother. I thought that maybe if I had made some different choices, like continuing to work or if I was somehow parenting better, I would feel happier. Turns out, it wasn’t my boys or motherhood, it was me. It doesn’t matter what I accomplish outside of motherhood that determines my value, it is ultimately up to me to determine that. Whether I become a world-famous author or if all I manage is to raise two, well-adjusted boys, my value remains constant. I get that now.

Truth is timeless.  That is for sure.

You can read the post in its entirety here:

HAPPY BLOG-A-VERSARY TO ME!

From this I would like to take it one step further.  What if I actually don’t have to do a thing to prove my value?  What if our value is actually tied to who we are and not what we do?  Is it possible my value was already locked down before I even decided to have kids or pour my heart out on my laptop keyboard?

I now know this is not only possible, it is absolute truth.

It’s true for all of us.

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Sending love to you all.

The G.O.A.T.

Some evenings the stars do not align and my boys have practices at different times.  This is never a problem if Full Speed is the one waiting for his start time.  All I have to do is bring a book for him and he is content to wait it out.  T.Puzzle is more complicated.  Sometimes he likes books and sometimes he hates them.  Sometimes he’s chatty and sometimes he is belligerently bored.  And, being that I am a stubborn sort myself, I don’t allow electronics during the week.  Basically, I’m stuck with him for better or for worse.  Recently, I’ve been able to embrace this time with him a little bit more.  Working on word puzzles with him is a good bet and I find his self-centric worldview to be incredibly entertaining.

As we were sitting in my car waiting for his practice time I was overcome by a wave of love for him.  You remember the kind maybe?  It’s like that moment when you crept into your child’s room to gaze upon them when they were small and peacefully asleep.  Watching the sweet rise and fall of their chest made you feel like your heart would burst right out of yours.  That is the best feeling and one I felt I wanted to share.

“You are so cute!” I gushed.

T.Puzzle’s instant response with dimples blazing, “I know.”

This kid.  He thinks he is the G.O.A.T. (the greatest of all time).

A few weeks back I got a call from his school informing me he had hit his head.  All was well but recently he asked me about it.  How did I know he didn’t have a concussion?  I said that the school nurse had asked him a bunch of questions that he answered correctly and that indicated he was fine.  What were the questions he wanted to know?

“Well, she asked you who your favorite person in the whole world was and you said ‘my mom’ and that’s how we knew you were okay.”

“I know your lying, Mom.  That couldn’t be true.  If the nurse did ask me that the answer wouldn’t be you, it would be me.  I am my favorite person in the whole world.”

A G.O.A.T. is born.

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Mr. GOAT’s sunscreen application he insisted he DO IT HIMSELF!

The Summer of Love

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Per our tradition, I was seated at the counter flanked by the boys as we ate our final lunch of summer break.  I don’t know why, but lunch at the counter seems more summery than table eating.

T.Puzzle (looking rather forlorn):  “Why does school have to start again?”

Me:  “The first day of school is that bad, huh?”

T.Puzzle:  “It’s so bad we should call it The Day That Cannot be Named.  The other day I hate is Valentine’s Day.  It’s all love and bleh.  I don’t understand why there has to be a whole day about love.  It makes no sense.”

Full Speed (courtesy of a joke book):  “If you’re born in November, that means your parents had a pretty cool Valentine’s Day.”

I laughed so hard I almost spit out my food.  This made Full Speed laugh which only made me laugh harder.  T.Puzzle remained unmoved, I mean, it was the day before The Day That Cannot Be Named after all.

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T.Puzzle shares his true feelings about returning to school.

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The Story of a girl and her White Fluffy Dog

A wise person had once told the girl, “The road to true love is never easy.”  And, they were right.  It hadn’t been easy.  The girl didn’t mind because she was happily in love with her Buckeye.  Their relationship was finally everything she knew it could be and then some.  They had moved in together and lived across from Wrigley Field.  Pure magic.

Sometimes, at night, as the girl waited for her handsome Buckeye to come home after a long day’s work and an even longer commute, she would get a little bit lonely.  She thought about how to remedy this and knowing her Buckeye’s career path was only gearing up, she decided to get a dog.  She had never had a dog in her whole life.  The great thing about being a grown-up is that if you want a dog, you get to have a dog.  The girl was not impulsive in nature so she researched and pondered and then researched and pondered some more.  Eventually she decided she wanted a Bichon Frise because small, white and fluffy seemed like perfection to her.  On the day she drove to a suburb to meet a slew of Bichons, she felt very confident ‘her dog’ would find her.  And, she did.

At first the girl thought she wanted a boy and that’s all she focused on.  She started to get frustrated with how energetic and bitey they all were and wondered if she would leave empty-handed.  Instead, she opened up her expectations and picked up the first female she could find.

It was love at first sight.

The girl couldn’t explain it but this sweet little Bichon-Poodle was meant to be hers.  She was gentle and loving.  She weighed a whopping 3.2 pounds.  She was perfect.

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The girl brought her home and their adventure began.  It wasn’t always easy or smooth, but the girl quickly forgave her White Fluffy Dog because, well, she was white and fluffy.  She was magic.

Five months after the White Fluffy Dog came into her life, the girl had to go out of town.  She left for a few days and put the White Fluffy Dog’s care into the hands of her Buckeye.  She didn’t think twice about it before she left but she should have.  Once she returned she realized something had changed.  Her White Fluffy Dog still loved her, but now, she loved the Buckeye even more.  At times this would frustrate the girl because she wanted to be loved best, but she got over it.  This dramatic shift in loyalty helped a lot when the girl became a mom.  She was so focused on raising her young Buckeyes, she was grateful that the White Fluffy Dog had the Buckeye to look out for her.  It also helped that the White Fluffy Dog adored the little Buckeyes.  She loved babies, pacifiers, bottles and diapers.  She was always gentle with the little Buckeyes and over the years, tolerated a lot of hands-on rough and tumble play with them.  She adjusted to being a big sister with great aplomb.

 

Life changed drastically when the Littlest Buckeye turned 18 months old.  At this time the girl learned he was severely allergic to the White Fluffy Dog.  As much as the girl loved her White Fluffy Dog, she did what she had to.  The White Fluffy Dog went to live with her Buckeye’s parents.  The White Fluffy Dog lived with them for five long years (extremely long if you ask the Buckeye’s father).

As the LB grew and changed so did his immune system.  On a whim when he was seven, the girl decided to have him tested yet again for his dog allergy.  She almost didn’t believe the results.  Her White Fluffy Dog could come home.  It was magic all over again.

Having her White Fluffy Dog again brought wholeness to the girl’s heart.  The girl could handle all of her White Fluffy Dog’s quirks because of this wholeness.  Yes, the White Fluffy Dog had entered her golden years and was certainly set in her ways, but she was still magic.  She still was that same dog that ran towards you when you were hurting, sick or broken.  If the girl was sad, her White Fluffy Dog would lay down next to her.  The White Fluffy Dog never ran when faced with distress, rather this is when she shined.  There are no words to convey what this meant to the girl.  ‘Everything’ is a good one to start with.  It pretty much meant everything to the girl.

The girl had more time for her White Fluffy Dog as her little Buckeyes weren’t so little.  She walked her every day.  The girl loved these walks.  The girl fed her, brushed her and made sure she had her medicine.  While the White Fluffy Dog still loved the Buckeye the best, she appreciated all the love and care the girl showed her.  She followed the girl everywhere.  The magic continued…until it didn’t.

The White Fluffy Dog had lived 13.5 well-loved years when her body finally started to give out.  The girl was heartbroken.  The day came that the girl and her family had to say goodbye to the White Fluffy Dog.  She had cancer and was bleeding internally.  The White Fluffy Dog was ready to go.  When the White Fluffy Dog’s last moments arrived, the girl bravely held her in her arms.  The girl reasoned they had started out together, that it was only fitting that they were together when it ended.

The space the White Fluffy Dog has left in the girl’s home is enormous.  It is quiet in a way that is unsettling.  The girl now walks around with a White Fluffy hole in her heart.  Her only comfort is knowing that love eventually prevails.

After all, she learned this lesson from the best…

 

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The Story of a girl and her First Little Buckeye

Well over a decade ago, the girl had her First Little Buckeye.  Even though she was of an age that society deemed her to be a responsible adult, she didn’t feel very grown-up and worried she wasn’t going to mother him correctly.  The first time she held him in her arms was transcendent.  Her worry and her fear left her.  All she felt was peace.  Peace for the girl is highly unusual.  This is why she remembers it so vividly.  She looked down into his tiny, baby face and felt comforted by him.  She thought that was odd.  How was a tiny baby going to take care of her?  She didn’t know, but she was thankful he was here.  She was grateful he was healthy.  She holds that memory in a pocket close to her heart.  On her hardest days, as life can be hard, she reaches into this pocket and remembers that love.  That memory of peace reminds her that no matter what shows up in her world, everything is going to be okay.

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Now, enough about the girl, let’s get to the fun stuff.  Let’s learn a little bit more about the FLB.  He loves life.  He loves learning.  He sometimes loves his Little Brother, but sometimes he only tolerates him.  It depends on his mood and how much his Little Brother is annoying him on that particular day. 

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Loves his Little Brother
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About ready to lose it on his Little Brother

The girl tries to stay out of the way.  It’s hard to believe that their relationship and their lives in general aren’t really her business.  She’s working on staying out of the way.  She doesn’t always succeed at this.  At least she is trying.

A couple months back, the FLB’s love of learning earned him a spot in the county-wide spelling bee.  He managed to beat out all the other 5th and 6th graders at his school.  It was a pretty amazing day.  That meant over holiday break and beyond, he had to study, study, study to get ready for the Big Show at county.  It was a lot of work but he didn’t mind it.  He actually kind of liked the challenge of learning all these new, almost-impossible-to-pronounce-yet-harder-to-spell words.  The girl remembered to stay out of his way.  She told him she trusted him completely.  If he wanted to study all the time or not at all, she was going to support him.  He chose somewhere in between all the time and not at all.  It was a good, steady balance of studying that kept his attitude good, steady and balanced.  That’s all the girl cared about.  She wanted him to feel good about the process and he did.  So, she felt good about the process, too.

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The FLB celebrating his school win

About a month before the night of the Big Show, the girl needed to have a serious talk with her FLB.  She wanted him to know something very important about what her expectations were for him regarding the competition.  This is what she said to him:

“I want you to remember that you are awesome.  The amount of awesome you have inside you is static.  That means it doesn’t change.  There is nothing you can or can’t do to change this fact.  At the beginning of the spelling bee you will be awesome.  At the end of the spelling bee you will be awesome.  And during the middle, you will still be equally awesome.  Winning or losing can’t change your awesome-ness.  If you wonder how I know this it’s because when you were a baby and I held you in my arms for the very first time I loved you instantly.  I kind of already loved you before I even knew you.  Why?  It wasn’t because I thought to myself, ‘someday this kid is going to be great at spelling.’  No, it was because you were awesome.  You were then, you are now and you always will be.”

Most of the time the FLB is polite when the girl goes into one of her ‘Love-You-As-You-Are Lectures’ because let’s face it, there are SO MANY of them.  The girl can’t help it.  It’s who she is.  The FLB knows this about her so he is respectfully quiet.  The girl is never quite sure if he is actually listening to her but she lectures anyway.  However this time, the girl felt like maybe this Love Lecture penetrated his soul a little.  He seemed a little more sure of himself and seemed to have even more relaxed fun in his study preparations.  The girl was relieved that he believed her.  Sometimes as children we don’t believe the good our parents tell us about ourselves even though it is a proven fact that the good is ALWAYS TRUE.  We only have to be brave enough on the inside to believe it.  Thankfully, the FLB is brave enough.  At least the girl hoped he was.

On the actual day of the Big Show and right before the spelling bee started, the girl’s eyes swept over the mass of talented spellers selected from each school in the county.  Sure, she felt proud the FLB was included in this group but she also felt something else.  This isn’t something the girl talks about very much, but growing up she kind of never really fit in anywhere.  She stills feels that way.  She thinks most of the whole world feels this way but no one ever says it out loud.  So, as she watched those amazing, nervous kids, she could see herself in them.  She could see the shy ones, the awkward ones, the ones who looked like they might pass out from nerves and she could relate.  She saw the FLB way in the back row, he’s kind of small so she had to strain her neck and there he was.  Yes, he seemed a bit nervous but he owned that stage.  He was all confidence and class.  It was if he understood he was among peers and while they may not be the considered the ‘coolest’ when in the mainstream of school life, he seemed perfectly fine about it.  He is who he is and he knows he’s enough exactly as he is.  The girl’s heart was full.  She already won even before the first letter was spoken.  She won because the FLB had already won.

He remembered he was awesome.

When he happened to place 2nd in the whole county the girl thought to herself, ‘isn’t that an embarrassment of riches?’

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The FLB celebrating his 2nd place finish with his Little Brother

The End